Self-Delusion - Serenade for the Dead

[ShawnDawson]

Dies ist eine kurzgeschichte aus meine kurzgeschichtensammelung "Serenade for the Dead". Hierbei handelt es sich um kurzgeschichten auf Englisch die sich mit der emotionen und u.a. gedanken und gefühlen der leute befasst, die jemanden verloren haben. Feedback würde mich ehren.

Mfg, Shawn Dawson.

Self-delusion

“Never mind that“, she said, as she looked in the mirror and rubbed her face. “Do you really think that is something we should talk about here?” Her face looked very white in the mirror, she didn’t want it to look white. “Aren’t we invited for dinner tonight? I thought I had put it in my calendar but nothing is planned for today”, she said as she was putting on some cream. “Let us not go out tonight, dear, I don’t feel very well. It seems I have caught a cold.” She tried to cough as if she was really ill. She was exaggerating so much that no one would ever believe that she was ill. “Time to go to bed honey, don’t you think? Well we can still watch some TV before we go to sleep. Some good movies should be on tonight.” She didn’t really want to watch TV, it wasn’t her favorite thing to do.  “I’d say, we had marvelous dessert tonight, hadn’t we, darling?”, she said in a very snobby kind of way. “I think I’ll go to the bathroom first, then we’ll watch some TV and go to bed. We still have some naughty stuff to catch up with”, she said in a very amorous way. “I’ll catch up with you darling in just a minute” She headed right for the bathroom. Some time had passed and she still hadn’t come out. It seemed as something had happened. Suddenly the door to the bathroom opened and she stood there, a little tipsy. “Oh I’m sorry honey; I fell asleep in the bathroom again. It’s not such a nice thing to do, I was in there for about 2 hours”, she yawned. She kind of staggered to the bedroom and fell right into her bed. “Ah, it’s been such a nice day, don’t you think, dear? I haven’t had so much fun in years! Come to think of it, I don’t think that I’ve ever had so much fun. I should pay more attention to my car, it’s been in need of repair for about a week now. I need to get it fixed”, she gaped. “Have you heard of the rumor that I have not been the same since someone particular died? I don’t remember who but word has it that I’ve not been the same since. My friends keep telling me over and over. I just don’t understand, It’s like the name they say is blurred out every time”, she whispered loudly. “I wish I knew the name they are saying, it’s very mysterious, don’t you think so, honey?” She turned to the other side of the bed. “honey?...”

[Funkelndermond72]

Es ist echt schade. Mein Englisch ist soooo miserabel, dass ich noch nicht soweit bin, diese Sprache zu fühlen

[bloody_mary]

Hallo Shawn,

erstmal herzlich willkommen hier!  

Über die sprachlichen Aspekte in deiner Geschichte möchte ich gar nicht so viel sagen, das können andere hier besser, die viel besser Englisch können als ich. Nur so viel: Ich konnte alles sehr gut verstehen, also ist mein Englisch entweder nicht so eingerostet, wie ich dachte, oder die Geschichte ist sprachlich sehr einfach gehalten.

Diese Wiederholung in der Formulierung empfand ich als unschön:

[Murmel]

Wie versprochen, gelesen.

Ein paar Absätze machten das Ganze lesbarer.

“Never mind that“, she said, as she looked in the mirror and rubbed her face. “Do you really think that is something we should talk about here?”
Her face looked very white in the mirror, she didn’t want it to look white.
“Aren’t we invited for dinner tonight? I thought I had put it in my calendar but nothing is planned for today”, she said as she was putting on some cream. “Let us not go out tonight, dear, I don’t feel very well. It seems I have caught a cold.”
She tried to cough as if she was really ill.

A few redundant verys and reallys make the prose sound amateurish. The dialogue is stilted. Either use contractions or don't.

[Nordlicht]

Schliesse mich im Grossen und Ganzen Bloody Marys Kommentaren an...und wie Murmel sagt, Absaetze wuerden schon viel helfen.

Am Wortlaut wuerde ich feilen, da es sich fuer mich etwas gestelzt anhoert, wie die Frau spricht, und fuer mich deshalb die Szene nicht richtig echt erscheinen laesst.

Wuerde aber gerne eine ueberarbeitete Fassung noch mal lesen